There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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