a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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