She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize