Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
