i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
