Please, let me fuck your mom
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
