it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Ladies don't puke and tell
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
