I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
