John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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