I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
