**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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