Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Randomize
