Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
