hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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