then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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