Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
