I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
