I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
