true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
