I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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