I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize