Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
