Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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