My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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