So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You have to summon your inner elephant
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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