tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Ketchup is God's man juice
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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