You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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