she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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