Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
