How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize