u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
