I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize