i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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