Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize