My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
