She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Your penis caused this!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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