guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
