Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize