I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
