my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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