I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
