My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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