After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
