My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
