i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
