now i know why i became what i already was.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
