Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Randomize
