I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
