i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
