According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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