The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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