Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize