now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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