the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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