In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
