What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
