I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
