$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
